Hi, everyone, sorry if it’s not the place but I couldn’t find a more appropriate sub for this and I really need some advice.
Instead of a tl;dr, I’ve broken this up into sections.
The problem:
My problem is that I can’t seem to muster the courage to find a job because of past trauma. I was exploited at a previous job and that has had lasting consequences that manifest in fear, making me tense up and defer to other activities instead of job hunting. I’ve already gone to a state psychologist for this but it didn’t go well for other reasons. I can’t afford a private therapist right now.
About me:
I’m a front-end dev with enough experience for an entry level. I think I’m good at what I do and I already have some projects that I’ve finished over the past few months and just need to update my portfolio site with those and my résumé. But I’d rather work on those projects from dawn 'till dusk and fuck off instead of applying. I just get very emotional to the point that even typing this up is hard.
What happened:
I know it sounds ridiculous, but for some context, I’ve already had a few failing gigs beforehand that were miserable. And what was supposed to be a temporary part-time job (and was paid as such) turned into more than a full-time job where I was basically working 12-16 hours nonstop doing three different roles of programmer, teacher, and YouTuber. I was promised a series of job interviews to other tech companies so I gave it my all to look good. I worked hard, poured my heart out, and was recognized by my students, but management subverted the offer and tried to keep me for cheap without telling me or giving me anything in return.
So I burnt out and got fed up after I had to keep reminding them to pay me. I submitted my leave, they made me an offer but the requirements were ridiculous, the pay was mediocre and it was much more work than I was already doing. I left and I’ve been unemployed for some time now trying to recover but I can’t make peace with it. I was betrayed.
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Now I feel like it’s gonna happen again in some way or another and I can’t stand it. I loved my job but I felt so trapped. I was barely getting by and all my money and my time were going to fuck all but my needs. I thought I was building something for myself and now I’m back at square one with nothing and it’s so deflating.
Time is passing by quickly and I know that I have to face the whole hiring process again very soon and it puts me on edge. Does anybody know what to do? I’m lost, demotivated, and scared. I’d appreciate your advice. Thank you all.
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Burnout can have serious effects. I know, from personal experience. I was lucky due to my country’s policies to essentially have a 5.5 month break from work (although also with kids, so not exactly a “break” per se). Even once starting a new job, it is very hard for the effects to wear off. Like most things, you will eventually just have to take the first step and just do it, and go from there. Break down getting a new job into the smallest possible steps you can, and start with the first one, even if it’s one line in a word processor to start writing a new resume.
That, therapy, and continued time will eventually lead to healing. But ultimately, the initiative must come from within, and it sounds like you have already taken that initiative by seeing a therapist.
Wow, I may need to look for another country with these fantastic worker protections, that sounds amazing! I’ll take your advice for doing a little at a time to get going, which now that I realize I’ve been doing for other things but it didn’t occur to me to apply it to this. It’s been a heck of a mental block.
All I can tell you man is that it gets better. I’d say you should realise that and start looking for the better. Jumping jobs in Dev is very normal, so go right ahead! Worst case it can end up like it did then but you should now have the courage and experience to fuck off and go somewhere else.
This is unfortunately part of finding a new job. You apply, do the interviews, sign the contract and then you just have to hope that the new employer is decent to you.
But in the end you have full agency. You’re not a slave.
Read the contract, sign it and stick to it. “No” is a full sentence, if your new employer wants to force you to do overtime you can decline, or ask them to pay you extra if you’re up for more work. The worst they can do is fire you, but that just puts you back in the same spot you’re in now, so no big loss.
Just get up and have a look around, devs are in demand, you’ll find a job sooner or later with a great salary and work conditions. You just have to get to it.
Good luck :)
Thank you for the positivity, it’s always nice to hear there’s hope out there :)
The first step is recognizing your employer is never your “friend”. You have something they need, they provide you something you also need in return. Look at yourself as a badass mercenary or a wise old merchant or however helps you recognize your agency and inherent worth as a human being.
Yeah, it’s been a tough lesson to learn the hard way. The people who treated me nicely to my face were abusers and I was clueless of that until I saw them denigrating another employee who was amazing at her job and I couldn’t believe they could speak ill of her if I hadn’t heard it. I like your perspective, though, it does feel like I’m much more wiser about it now. Thank you.
To expand on what InfiniteVariables said, the real key here is that they need you more than you need them. If they didn’t need you, you wouldn’t be filling three roles eh?
Thank you for sharing your story. There’s a couple of things I’d like to share back with you:
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You’re already on guard to see this coming, so you’re less likely to get blindsided by it. The very fact that you wrote this post is a good sign that you won’t end up getting back in that situation. Give yourself a little credit.
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Your HR department knows that It’s WAY more expensive to hire someone new than it is to keep a current employee. When I start to feel overwhelmed at work, I remind myself of this fact and I’ll purposely pull back and give myself a break. No one is going to let you go if you miss a couple of deadlines or if your UI isn’t always immaculate.
One of the biggest causes of burnout is doing higher quality work than is expected of you. While it can be gratifying to do excellent work, know that the marathon of having a career is finding what the “just right” expectation is and delivering no more and no less.
— signed: someone who burned the fuck out
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